What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 01:06
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I could never make a relationship work though!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Why do people think Justin Bieber is worse than Joseph Stalin?
(And it was in our own minds.)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I write beautiful poetry .
How can I be okay with being ugly? What is the bright side?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
When she asked me how she looked .
Was to survive, this bastard.
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But it wasn’t much.
What are some creepy bestiality-promoting questions obviously asked for sexual gratification?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I waited trembling.
I was scared of men, in general
He knew the spot.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He resisted the act ,that day.
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One cannot live in the past .
I couldn’t, believe it.
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Especially a lifetime of it.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Ive learnt so much.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Why did i forgive my father ?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We were not on the streets..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
So, i spoilt her more .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I think the readers, may guess!
She married twice! .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She was in good health!
What did i know ?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im still living with it.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I never cut or harmed myself..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Comes on , in middle age.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She found it foreign!.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I said to her
My life is so biszare .
Put me off passion for life!!
I will be 64.
I was very sick at this time too.
She loved him until the end.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
So whats the point in blame.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
This is soul school!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I don,t even have a pension.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
It was going to be , some day.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She wouldn,t have been !
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was seconnd youngest,
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We all went to grammer schools
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was 9 years of age.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And i lived it daily.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But, we were locked up after school.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I have no regrets .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Would this be the day?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But ive been too sick for many years..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My family never makes their pension either.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
All the time i was locked up.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Who then, do I blame.?